Do you feel, as I do, that the world is spinning out of control with wars, natural disasters, and even conflict at the local and family level? In this podcast, you’ll learn a few tips to help you find more peace in your relationships.
My goal with all my content is to give you tips and ideas that will add peace and clarity to your life. This podcast is the audio version of a post I uploaded several months ago. I like to let my posts settle, update, and record them. Often, new insights will come along as I revisit the content.
The tips I give you here are for you to apply to your life. I don't know whether global leaders would be willing to use empathy to prevent conflict escalation. As a human race, we are deep into a war mentality. That’s a philosophical discussion for another time.
The transcript is below; I’ve added comment boxes, and I’d like to read and respond to your comments and questions about this topic.
Taming the Tyranny of Conflict
Hello, this is Kathy Garland, and this is my podcast for my publication titled The Light in Us. Today, I want to talk about the tyranny of conflict and how that can affect us and some things you can do to reduce your own reaction to that and have more peace in your life.
Seems like the world is spinning out of control with all the conflict. wars, political battles, neighborhood disagreements. These situations use emotional energy we could channel into more productive uses, and it feels like tyranny is going to rule. The closer we get to the us election, the crazier it gets. I’m recording this in October of twenty twenty-four. So the only say we have about whether or not tyranny rules in the US is to get out and vote. So if you're a us voter, please get out there and vote. it matters. millions of people didn't vote in the last election, and it was too close.
I don’t like to focus on negative, but the topic is about tyranny. And tyranny, includes the limitation and continued assault on women’s rights, dismissive comments about inclusion, abject ridiculous lies that are promoted and covered by, in other words, given lots of attention to, by profit-hungry media to drive viewers. Wars, racism, economic disparity are fueled by the energy of tyranny. in other words, ruling with an iron fist and the belief that this is the only way that it can be. Some days I want to move to a peaceful island, but I know I can't check out from life. And I know I can choose my response, which is very important. You, too, can choose your response. We don't want our emotions to rule us. We want our emotions to fuel our actions, but not create out-of-control responses. And we'll talk about that.
My husband, Tom, and I, have been married for forty-nine years. For both of us, it's our first and only marriage. over the years, we've welcomed and raised two children, embraced gut-wrenching problems, adapted to his career of flying, coming and going on his trips. During that time, I did my best to build a career. We made frequent moves when he was in the military, including living in six states and one foreign country. We haven't moved as much for the last twenty years, and luckily, we've welcomed grandchildren into our lives.
What I want to say, and you know this very well if you are or have been married, that no marriage can exist without conflict. Tom and I have had our share of it. throughout hardships and disagreements, we strive to choose the relationship first. it's not easy, but it's one of the secrets of why we've been married after all these years. I also joke that we're both so stubborn, but we do have to pause, regroup, and put our relationship first.
From a broader perspective on how we are different, each person takes in information and makes decisions in their own way. Which, when you have two people who are each making decisions in different ways, that can create conflict.
Everyone has a unique point of view on life and when people get together, it can be agreeable, or sparks can fly. I still remember a dinner where we joined two other couples for what we anticipated to be an enjoyable evening. One of our friends started arguing with our male host friend over politics. It escalated to a shouting match. and the friend was so angry, she walked out and left her husband behind. It was awkward. In that situation, neither was willing to back down or listen to the other. this harmed our group relationship so much that we never got together as a group again. that's the tyranny of conflict. it can ruin relationships.
A couple of things happened that night to cause the conversations to go off the rails and escalate to conflict that wasn't bearable by one of the people. Both people arguing wanted to be right. they didn't show empathy toward the other's point of view. So, they let their emotions rule, their tempers flared, and they didn't stop to consider that they could choose their response.
They wouldn't consider the opinion of the other. This happens so many times in arguments. People just keep repeating their point of view over and over, and there's no leeway for relationship or agreement. There's a line that I feel shouldn't be crossed in relationships. Like my friends, people engaged in shouting matches are crossing the line and being too aggressive. Aggressive people state their opinions and make decisions without considering the point of view or the needs of others. They come off as ‘my way or the highway’ type of person. This type of aggressive behavior harms or, even worse, destroys relationships.
I discovered emotional intelligence about ten years ago and applied what I learned to conversations and relationships. To be a better person, I needed to integrate several skills. Two of them are assertiveness and empathy. Learning the nuances of these two skills has been life-changing for me.
Empathy is an essential skill for work and life. If either of our two friends had used a shred of empathy to listen to the other, the outcome may have been different. Empathy can be learned. Empathy is being present and calm enough to understand the other person's point of view, pain, opinions, or challenges. You don't have to like the other person or agree with them to be empathetic. You simply need to be willing to hear them out without interrupting, correcting, redirecting the conversation, or reinforcing the point that you want them to get.
Now, talking about empathy, some highly empathetic people may be less assertive because they don't want to confront someone, and that can lead them to feel taken advantage of or not seen. That was a problem for me. I often kept my opinions, beliefs, and thoughts to myself unless I was frustrated or angry. I didn't want to address conflict, and I still don't like it.
However, conflict is a natural thing that happens between people. It's the way we respond to each other that can cause problems. Standing up for yourself doesn't mean you're unkind, indifferent, or looking for a brawl. You can be assertive with others without sounding bossy or causing conflict. Appropriate use of assertiveness allows you to get your point across without harming your relationships.
According to Multi-Health Systems, the publisher of the emotional intelligence survey MHS EQ-I 2.0, that I use with my clients, assertiveness involves communicating one's feelings, beliefs, and thoughts openly and defending one's personal rights and values in a socially acceptable, non-offensive, and non-destructive manner. That's a handful there in that definition.
So, let's unpack that. You are an individual doing your thing in the world. It's natural you have differing opinions and desires than those of people around you. When you hold back and don't use assertiveness to express your thoughts and what's important to you, you chip away at your self-esteem and whittle away your dreams a little at a time. Not speaking up gives an opening for another person to take control, which can lead to conflict.
The other thing that happens is highly assertive people naturally take charge, and this can rub people the wrong way. And people that aren't assertive can build up a resentment in that relationship. I want you to know that you can be assertive and show empathy at the same time. So how do you express yourself in situations where conflict can arise? I'll give you a few phrases to begin with, and these are like creating a bridge in calming the tension if only for a second or two.
One phrase to use is, if ‘I understand you’ and then what you want to do is repeat what you heard them say. Sometimes, this is enough for people to pay attention to what they just said. It also makes them feel heard. And when people feel heard, really heard, they are more willing to discuss the issues with you.
Sometimes things happen, and the moment goes by, and you're still feeling like you're not happy about something that just happened. And you can start out the conversation with ‘I need to say something’ or ‘I need to share something with you.’ And this can create a bridge for people to listen. Here's another one. I’m giving you a bit of a formula that you can fill in for yourself. When you are in conflict with somebody important to you or perhaps it's a negotiation in a business situation, you could say,
“I know that (fill in the blank,) is important to you. However, (fill in the blank with what's important to you.) So you would say, (fill in the blank,) is important to me. Can we look at how we do both? So the idea is to move toward a solution that has some of what both of you want. And that's typical in business negotiations, so you might want to try it.
Speaking up for yourself doesn't mean you're aggressive, especially if you're a kindhearted soul. When I was head of sales for a small business, I know I came off aggressive because I didn't understand empathy. And at my core, I’m a very kindhearted soul, although I didn't know that at the time. My job was to bring in business. I’ve learned a lot since then.
As long as you're respectful and state your opinions, beliefs, and values in a way that is non-destructive, you're being assertive. And you can't control how the other person chooses to respond. To wrap up, let's go back to empathy. Empathy is the best way to deescalate tensions and arguments that are normal in your life. So it can be used in a lot of ways, but start using it in your everyday conversations and disagreements.
The world will be more peaceful when more of us choose empathy and choose to respond focused on connecting and building the relationship. Remember, we don't have to like or agree with another person. We can show empathy to make this a better world. Empathy is one of the most important skills we can master in life. I discuss empathy in two posts on my Substack blog, and you can find those at kathygarland.substack .com. They're titled Mastering Emotional Challenges during Holiday Gatherings and the other one is This Is How We Rise.
So my final thoughts for you.
May you be peaceful.
May you know who you are.
May you have satisfying relationships.
May the light of your soul shine through your heart and into the world.
This is Kathy Garland. Thank you for listening. I invite you to comment and share your thoughts and questions with me in the comment box, where you found the link to listen to this podcast.
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