Mastering Emotional Challenges During Holiday Gatherings
Learn how to manage tricky situations with these six scenarios and answers based on emotional intelligence.
Why are holidays so emotionally charged? A mix of excitement and dread, last-minute stress at getting the meal how you want, and seeing family you haven’t seen in a long while add to the emotional soup many people experience.
Many of us do more things than we have time for and let our ‘shoulds’ drive us. The most damaging stressor is having expectations about what we want to experience. That could mean our expectations to be the perfect host or expectations that our guests will behave in a certain way.
I’ve studied and taught emotional intelligence for years, yet the holidays still challenge me. It’s nearly impossible to avoid triggers because a trigger is a reaction to an emotion or feeling. How we respond externally and internally to the things that cause emotions can make the difference between a stressful holiday and a harmonious one.
Below are six scenarios and answers to help you through some sticky situations when you host family and friends for dinner. You’ve probably experienced some or all of these. I have experienced them over the years, and only now, since I’ve practiced emotional intelligence, can I engage or disengage in these conversations with less emotional energy.
Q: I am hosting a large family group for dinner. What do I do when a guest spouts their opinions at the dinner table without regard to other people’s feelings? I find myself getting angry.
A. Take a deep breath. Do your other guests seem uncomfortable or engage in heated debate at the table? As the host, you can guide the conversation, especially if people have unproductive emotions or are in conflict with others.
One thing that usually works to calm the situation is holding your hand with your palm facing the person who upsets you. Try saying, “That’s an interesting point of view.”
This can reduce the tension. Now that you have the floor, you can say something to calm the energy like this. “Let’s change the subject.”
Making the person wrong does no good in this situation. Gracefully, deflect the conversation and move on.
Once the charge goes out of the conversation, you can shift the energy further by asking something innocent like:
“What’s the secret ingredient in your sweet potato casserole, Aunt Martha?”
Q: What do you say when a parent still wants to parent you even though you’ve been adulting long enough to be a functioning adult?
A: With a warm smile, you can say, “Thank you, Mom/Dad. I know you have my best interest in mind. You raised me well, and I’ve got this.” A hug would be an appropriate gesture to reassure your parents that you are fine.
Q: I have food allergies. My (family member) doesn’t believe in them. What do I do?
A: As someone who has to manage several food intolerances, I understand your pain. I don’t like to be the one that says, I can’t eat…this or that. There’s no correct answer here except being gracious for the meal they prepared. Try serving your plate with what you can eat. If you get ‘the look,’ then smile. If you want to say something, you could say, “That casserole looks spectacular, but I feel better when I stick to protein and vegetables.” You may experience some dismay from other people, but assure them you have plenty to eat.
If you have a severe condition like Celiac disease that would be challenging for the host, then, of course, it is your responsibility to let them know beforehand so you both can agree on the best approach to manage your health.
Q: What do you do about Negative Nellie’s? There’s always one at Thanksgiving dinner. Help!
A. First, realize that you may be happier and healthier than this person. Can you find compassion for their conditions and complaints? This isn’t easy, but here are a few approaches to try:
Use empathy. This means doing your best to understand why they come from this place and why they focus on the negative aspects of their life. Using empathy is articulating your understanding of their pain.
Empathy sounds like: “I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this.” “That sounds tough.” or “You seem upset about this.”Empathetic phrases may ease their discomfort, but in my experience, some people are attached to their life conditions and don’t want to change, no matter how much empathy I offer. I choose to work extra hard to be patient in these situations. When a person spills over into a toxic energy for me, I have to excuse myself.
Listen without interrupting. If you interrupt with solutions or encouragement, the person won’t feel heard, and there’s a good chance they will speak even louder or faster, so you will hear them. Try this: Say, “I hear you.”
Generous listening can change a person’s life. Speaking without being interrupted or judged helps a person feel valued. I refer to a typically distressed or stressed person. A chronic negative person or one with a complex mental condition or disease will drain you, so watch your energy.
When you are up to your eyeballs in complaints that impact your energy, you can hold up your hand with your palm facing them. Repeat, “I hear you, and I’m sorry this is happening to you.” While you have the floor, you can excuse yourself from the table. One of my go-to approaches is to say, “I need to walk around the block. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes.” You have to find your level of comfort in this approach. Because of my background in coaching leaders and entrepreneurs, I have gained expertise in overcoming challenges. This isn’t effective, though, for people who have mental illness or those who refuse to change.
It’s not up to you or me to fix someone who is constantly negative. The best I can do is excuse myself.
Q: My cousin is coming and bringing her three wild kids. She doesn’t stop them running through the house.
A: Assertiveness is an excellent emotional intelligence skill to use in this situation. This means communicating in a kind and positive manner how you want the kids to act in your house. I would talk to the kids first, then to your cousin. Adults and kids have big emotions, especially during the holidays. Kids usually act out when overly excited, tired, or bored.
Consider telling the kids how you want them to act in your home. Ask them what they want to do. Even better for you is to find out something about the kids before they come and have some activities on hand to entertain them. Board games, cards, and age-appropriate movies may help them settle down. If the weather is nice, and you have space, set up a game outside.
Q: I’m disappointed that a family member 1.) isn’t coming, 2) said something to hurt my feelings, or 3) didn’t follow through with what they said they would do.
A: Disappointment is an unwelcome emotion. It is energy stuck in your body because there is a gap between what you desire and what happened. That gap is where you feel feelings. Disappointment is similar to regret and keeps you from your joyful self.
To help your emotions dissipate, acknowledge your disappointment. You can do three things; I’m sure you’ll think of others.
You can write in your journal.
Confide in someone you trust, which can help you see the other person’s perspective.
Have a conversation with a person who broke an agreement between the two of you. It would be helpful to your relationship to discuss it in a kind and considerate manner.
Disappointment is a matter of perspective. We experience disappointment in the gap between what we expect and get. One year, I made a pie for a dessert gathering. I had expectations of taking a beautiful pie. The pie crust burned, and I had no time to do another one. I was disappointed and embarrassed, but there were so many desserts there it didn’t matter. But my perspective is what caused my disappointment.
Other strategies to move energy and dissipate negative emotions:
Walk or hike in nature
Take a nap
Garden
Go out for coffee with a loved one
Watch a comedy
Dance
Do anything to laugh. Here’s a video of babies laughing. Or go to YouTube and type in ‘laughing’ in the search box. Silly videos can be the right trick to shift energy from a holiday funk.
Have a Harmonious and Happy Thanksgiving!
May you be blessed.
May you be peaceful.
May you be ever loved.
May you always be loving.
- Thich Nhat Hanh
Thanks to Toa Heftiba on Unsplash for the cover photo.