Make your life better: Let go of being a perfectionist

3 signs of perfectionism that hold you back

I exchanged emails with a friend this week about resolutions and goals. And she said, "I think people are tired. So tired of pulling up the energy to make some of these things happen."

One of the reasons we don't reach our resolutions is that we set the bar too high, don't break them down into manageable steps, or don't build in any accountability.

And one reason we bail out on our resolutions is a perfectionist tendency. Thoughts like, "I won't get it right." or overwhelming self-talk about what you think it should look like can stop you in your tracks.

January is an excellent time to reflect on where you’ve been and where you want to go. If you are less than happy about where you are in life, I want to suggest you consider the trait of perfectionism, which is something I constantly strive to overcome. Overcoming and letting go of perfectionism can unleash so many good things. Let’s dive into understanding perfectionism and the perils it can cause.

According to Psychology Today, someone with a personality trait of perfectionism has high expectations and standards. I don’t have a problem with high expectations and standards. The peril comes when a leader or creative person doesn’t know how to gauge what’s excellent instead of what’s perfect. It’s a problem when expectations are unrealistic, pie-in-the-sky, and unachievable. So you may say, “Kathy, there are plenty of examples where the impossible has been achieved.” I agree. Often, that takes teams of people approaching a goal or a problem from multiple points of view.

A perfectionist leader often has a vision in mind, and nothing else will do. Steve Jobs had a reputation for this. It’s a complicated situation. Because of his drive, I write on a MacBook Pro; I have iPads and AirPods to enjoy my favorite audiobooks and music. All of which makes me so happy. But Steve Jobs isn’t here, which is a massive loss to his family, his legacy, and the world of technology.

Here are three signs that you might be a perfectionist:

1. Setting unrealistically high standards: Do you set goals and expectations for yourself that are extremely difficult to achieve? Do you believe anything less than perfect is unacceptable and constantly push yourself to meet these lofty standards? How would you describe perfect?
   
   This is the third year I’ve been invited to glaze a bowl for the local Empty Bowls auction to raise money for the food shelf. I’m in the company of much more accomplished artists, and I’m awed at the beautiful creations they contribute.
   
   I have to be careful not to set unrealistic standards. I push myself every year to try something I haven’t done before. However, I'm driving myself to perfection if I expect to create a complex, multi-colored, multi-faceted design like the experienced professional artists do. It’s too much stress. So, I’ve found a style for me that’s simple and enjoyable. Every year, a Collector’s Club ticket holder has chosen one of my bowls, so I need to let go of my thoughts of making it perfect.

2. Fear of failure or making mistakes: Perfectionists often experience a deep fear of failure or making mistakes. Failure and mistakes can trigger feelings of personal inadequacy or worthlessness. Someone with these tendencies may go to great lengths to avoid situations where they might not excel or where they could make errors.
   
   The first year I was invited to glaze a bowl, I almost said no because I had never worked with this medium. I didn’t want to do it wrong. I didn’t feel like an artist, and I felt responsible for creating something that a ticket holder to the auction would want. The first year I glazed a bowl, I procrastinated. I fretted and had fears about creating something ugly. Luckily, one of the managing artists for the program saw my ‘deer in the headlights’ look and helped me get started.
   
   If you are stuck and not moving forward on a project and think it may be because you’re concerned about failing or making a mistake, reach out to someone you trust and discuss your ideas. Take one small step forward.
   

3. Overwhelming criticism of self and others: People who seek perfection are too hard on themselves. They often don’t know when enough is enough, when excellence is acceptable and desirable, and when perfection is impossible.

   Last year, I was so happy with the bowl I glazed. I had stretched my abilities and created something I liked that I thought would be an original design. When I took it back to the studio for firing, we discovered a crack on the bottom that happened during the throwing. When I chose it from the bowl inventory, the potters didn’t notice it, and I had no idea how to look for flaws.

   
   Because the crack developed when the bowl was being created, it couldn’t be fired. It had to be thrown out because the risk of exploding in the kiln was too high.

   
   Naturally, I was disappointed because I had stepped up what I could do and was excited to contribute that particular bowl, but it wasn’t meant to be. My former self would be critical of missing the crack and turning in a flawed bowl. I have learned there’s no benefit to that way of thinking. I glazed another one in the style I used the year before because I had used a lot of time already on the first one. The one I submitted to the auction is in the photo below.

   

   The design I created last year for Empty Bowls McKinney.

   
   
   People with perfectionist traits may struggle to appreciate their accomplishments because they focus on what could have been done better.

   Say this: I did my best, and my best is good enough.

While striving for the perfect outcome can motivate and lead to high achievement, excessive perfectionism is detrimental to mental health and well-being. It also can be devastating for relationships. A person with perfectionist tendencies may have difficulty knowing where to draw the line and be overly demanding of self and others.

In that case, it may be helpful to seek support from a coach or therapist to learn healthier ways of managing perfectionist tendencies.

Overcoming the need to be perfect demands your attention, your presence, and understanding what emotions trigger perfectionism. If you feel you have perfectionist tendencies, reflect on these areas of your life for any of the three signs listed above:

• career

• relationships

• hobbies and free time

• spiritual and personal development

• physical and mental health

• how you lead

• how you manage your job or your business

• how you bring your creative visions to the world
  

Be gentle with yourself.

The constant pressure to be the best, perform, and harshly criticize yourself when your creations don’t come out the way you want keeps you from being present to your best self and can derail you from your life purpose.

If you exhibit these behaviors or consider yourself a perfectionist, be gentle with yourself. Take one step at a time, breathe, and know there is an easier and better way to do life.

Next week, I’ll include an exercise for you to look at perfection that has helped me and many of my clients.

May you be happy,

May you be healthy,

May you have loving relationships,

May you love yourself.

www.kathygarland.com