Free yourself from the tyranny of conflict

Tips for creating more peace in your life

Jun 20, 2024

I’ve been married for 48 years to the same man. Over the years, we raised two children, embraced gut-wrenching problems, and adapted to his career of flying, coming, and going on his trips. We made frequent moves when he was in the military, including living in six states and one foreign country. Over the years, no matter how hard it got or still gets, we choose the relationship first, again and again.

There are endless ways to approach personal and career decisions and situations, and those differences can cause conflict in relationships. Each of us takes in information and makes decisions in different ways, which alone is fodder for conflict.

I still remember a dinner where we joined two other couples for what we anticipated to be an enjoyable evening. One of our friends started arguing with our male host over politics. It escalated to a shouting match, and she was so angry that she walked out before dinner and left her husband behind.

In that situation, neither was willing to back down or listen to the other, which harmed our group relationship so much that we never got together again. That’s the tyranny of conflict — it can ruin relationships.

A couple of things went wrong that night:

Both wanted to be right
Neither showed empathy toward the other
Emotions ruled, and tempers flared
Each wouldn’t consider the opinions of the other.

There’s a line that shouldn’t be crossed in relationships. Like my friends, people engaged in shouting matches are crossing the line and being too aggressive. Aggressive people state their opinions and make decisions without considering the needs of others. They come off as a “my way or the highway” type of person. This type of aggressive behavior harms or, even worse, destroys relationships.

I discovered emotional intelligence about ten years ago and applied what I learned to conversations and relationships. To be a better person, I needed to integrate several skills. Two of them are assertiveness and empathy. Learning the nuances of these two skills has been life-changing for me.

Empathy is an essential skill for work and life. If either of our two friends had used a shred of empathy to listen to the other, the outcome may have been different.

Empathy can be learned

Empathy is being present and calm enough to understand the other person’s point of view, pain, opinions, or challenges. You don’t have to like the other person or agree with them.

You simply need to be willing to hear them out without interrupting, correcting, or redirecting the conversation.

In my July 23 Zoom call for paid subscribers, I will discuss how to use empathy in detail. What you learn will help you improve your relationships and prevent conflict from getting out of hand.

Some highly empathetic people may have a lower use of assertiveness. That was a problem for me. I often kept my opinions, beliefs, and thoughts to myself unless frustrated or angry. I didn’t want to deal with conflict. However, conflict is a natural thing that happens between people. It’s the way we respond to each other that can cause problems.

Standing up for yourself doesn't mean you're unkind, indifferent, or looking for a brawl. You can be assertive with others without sounding bossy or causing conflict. If you place high value on your relationships, conflict is something you avoid. However, appropriate use of assertiveness allows you to get your point across without harming your relationship.

According to MHS, the publisher of the emotional intelligence survey MHS EQ-i 2.0, assertiveness involves communicating one's feelings, beliefs, and thoughts openly and defending one's personal rights and values in a socially acceptable, non-offensive, and non-destructive manner.

Let’s unpack that. You are an individual doing your thing in the world. It’s natural that you have differing opinions and desires than those of people around you. When you hold back and don’t use assertiveness to express your thoughts and what’s important to you, you chip away at your self-esteem and whittle away your dreams, a little at a time. Not speaking up allows another person to take control, which can lead to conflict.

You can be assertive and show empathy at the same time. How do you express yourself in situations where conflict can arise? Let me give you a few phrases to begin with:

If I understand you
I need to say something
I know that (fill in the blank) is important to you. However, (fill in the blank) is important to me. Can we look at how we can do both?

Speaking up for yourself doesn't mean you're aggressive, especially if you're a kind-hearted soul. As long as you are respectful and state your opinions, beliefs, and values in a way that is non-destructive, you are being assertive. You can’t control how the other person chooses to respond.

Empathy is the best way to de-escalate tensions and arguments and free yourself from the tyranny of conflict. Keep reading below to connect to other posts I’ve written that include empathy.

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June Zoom Call for Paid Subscribers
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